Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Stream of Consciousness

"O poor, unthinking human heart! Error will not go away; logic and reason are slow to penetrate. We cling with both arms to false hope, refusing to believe in the weightiest proofs against it, embracing it with all our strength. In the end it escapes, ripping our veins and draining our heart's blood; until, regaining consciousness, we rush to fall into snares of delusion all over again"

Tagore wrote this more than a century ago. But human emotion, our behaviour is quite independent of space, time or context. I don’t think I can ever let go completely. I don’t think anyone can ever let go. Even when you have been used, abused. Sometimes I wonder what authority I have to say this. I haven’t been in a relationship of this sort ever. But over the past few years, seeing the relationships my friends have been in, I wonder whether it is ever possible for me to handle anything of that sort anyway. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, I started taking life very seriously. Frivolous ties are not for me.
In the past six odd months, all I have been hearing of is my friends getting two-timed by their partners. Cheating on someone is just so easy, isn’t it? Was watching the Roadies 5.0 auditions the other day. Their prelim questionnaire had a question- “with the guarantee that you will not be caught, will you cheat on your boyfriend/ girlfriend?” The answers were even more appalling.
When I did an “India Changing” ad campaign, I never really thought of India changing this way. Even though I am a part of the youth and the so-called youth culture, I am finding myself getting old-fashioned and boring for my friends, for their beliefs and though process.
Why is it that when I find smoking and alcohol so repulsive, my own friends think it is “cool” or just an ordinary of their life, and why is it that I cant let go of this fact?
Why can I not let go of my friends even when I want to. When there are these times when I want to be alone, why do I still be with them. When I want my alone time, why is it that I am never able to tell everyone to leave.
Why am I not letting go of those invading me, my space. Why has it become my space? Is it simply because I don’t have anyone to share this space with? Will I ever find that one person?
Its odd isn’t it, the way all of us are just wandering, billions of people all over the world, looking for the one person to share their “alone time” with. I often try to imagine what that time will be like when there is that someone. Maybe it will be tomorrow, years later, never. I don’t really care. But whenever it will be, all I know is that, it will be that or nothing else. When I do something I love, or start loving something I do, I don’t let go easily. I will sit with it. For as long as it takes and mend it. But when I know its beyond repair, it takes me a second, in the bat of an eyelid, I will be gone.
Virgos, they say, are organized clean people. Working with the precision of a surgeon. But somehow, even though I find myself practical and brash, I have often been accused of being rude. Under the pretext of calling me “frank” most people do intend to say that I am rude. Someone once tried predicting my future. She said that I would lose my friends. Slowly, but surely. Sort of just waking up one morning and realizing that you have no friends. And you don’t know where they are. You can’t remember when they left. You don’t know if they will be back. You don’t know if anyone will ever take their place.
That is probably the scariest of all my thoughts. Being in a situation like that. Being lonely. Not alone.
All I can do is pray. Hope that my friends understand that. I hope they don’t leave. I hope they are replaceable, even if they do. I hope there is always someone to cry to. Someone to laugh with. Someone, with whom I can sit in silence.
Silence is something I enjoy. My friends at college find it very weird when I just shut up at times. Sometimes I like to listen rather than talk. Stand still and observe. There are a lot of things you forget. Take for granted. When you are quite, you see all that. All those things that would otherwise have gone unnoticed.
This stream of consciousness has been long. Very long. I don’t even think I will ever read it again. Doesn’t matter. This piece started nowhere and ended nowhere. A sort of a lose straw in the heap. I fragment of information in my brain. What began as I stumbled over a quote I had read a long time ago, led to an entire page full of my mind spilt out on paper, in ink. And now I see myself running out of energy, even if I am not running out of thoughts…

1 comment:

ranjit said...

disha i came 2 abt dis blog jst a few mins back..scanned through some of ur articles..and read dis one...d poem is very interesting..but wht follows catches my fancy much more..(no no im not comparin u with tagore)..u have written a lovely piece....though i dont agree with a lot of things dat u wrote (m i allowed 2 write wht i feel)...d biggest fear is not to get up one morning and find out der are no friends to talk 2 .to share ur moments with...but the biggest fear of a human being is 2 get up one morning and find dat u domt have ur conscience 2 talk2 share ur life with..and dats wht i exactly call lonliness...and as far as youth and youth culture is concerned...the word youth is coined from the word young..and the word young is a relative it depends with whom do u compare urself..( does dis make sense? not for me atleast)